Maybe you don’t know this (because I never told you) but I am not a writer at all. I have never been published in a major magazine. I’ve never even been published in a minor magazine.
I have, however, had a few pieces published in blogs that no longer exist.
CULTURE BOY pieces have been rejected regularly, such as this one, submitted years ago during my brief association with the long-gone Jewish-themed hipster blog SPACE LASER1.
As with most internet writing, the work was irregular and the gig had nothing to do with the description on their about page. That is to say, if the writing was good, or said anything at all about Judaism, it was accidental. With every assignment my goal (and I learned this too late) was to send readers clicking to affiliate links. But inasmuch as you can have opposing goals within the same piece (company and personal), I made it my personal goal to make my pieces as bad as I could without being rejected. I usually succeeded. Sometimes I didn’t.
This assignment was “Write a wedding listicle that sends clicks to SPACE LASER’S AWESOME$$$AUCE PLAYLIST FOR WEDDING.” It was rejected quicker than any of my other CULTURE BOY pieces.
My editor actually printed a copy and sent it back to me with a giant red REJECTED stamp.
Read it for yourself and tell me if you agree that step was completely unnecessary.
CULTURE BOY’s guide to wedding dancing
Now that we’ve melded into one homogenous omnirace, wedding ceremonies are no longer the focal point. The days of Fiddler on the Roof and My Big Fat Greek Wedding are behind us. No one ever pulls a Graduate anymore. If someone has doubts about who they’re marrying, they wait until the next election cycle.
The real culture of a wedding happens on the dance floor, where good people throw down, and heroes remain hours after everyone left for the after party. The wedding dance floor is where the real wedding happens. So if you’re planning a wedding this year, or planning on attending a wedding this fall, or if you have questions about what wedding dancing is, you’ve come to the right place.
This listicle. This one right here.
1. ”We’re getting a live band or I’m killing myself”
The real wedding begins with the fight between families over whether or not to get a live band. Wedding planning group chats the world over are ablaze with conversations exactly like this one2:
“It’s so much nicer,” types the groom’s mother, and hits send.
“You pay for it,” says the father of the bride.
“Nobody’s paying,” says the groom. Then, with nary a pause: “We’re just brainstorming.”
“What about Franny’s cover band?” says the groom’s mother.
“Sorry, Debbie,” says the bride. “We are not booking Steely Fran.”
“YOU PAY FOR IT,” says the father of the bride, unclear whether the all-caps is intentional.
2. Bear false Whitneys
You will probably find drama as soon as the DJ departs from his “pre-vetted material” and puts on his own, awful remix of “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”. I say this with complete respect for anyone with remix skills: NEVER attempt to remix a PERFECT wedding song. You won’t make it better, but you will drive people to mob.
Which is exactly what happened at the first wedding of our season. As soon as the opening chords faded away and it became clear this was not the original, the father of the bride shouted a Latvian racial epithet and smashed a plate of surf and turf on the ceiling. Across the room, a second cousin tore away his tux jacket and SMACKDOWN-style-challenged the DJ to throw down3. Four people were stabbed with butter knives that night. Two were sent to the hospital.
3. The choice is yours
You know what’s an underrated wedding song? “Smooth” by Santana, featuring Rob Thomas. You know what’s another underrated wedding song? “Chunky” by Bruno Mars. For their first dance, all couples should have to decide between “Smooth” and “Chunky.” The same decision regular, sandwich-loving Americans make every day.
4. On the dance floor, communication is key.
At a rich people wedding earlier this year, the guests were called to one side of the room to watch the bride and groom cut the cake. When we got there, no cake. NO CAKE.
The bride and groom also looked confused. While we watched them build and cut the cake (FROM SCRATCH) we suddenly heard behind us the sound of a solo saxophone, which is an unsettling thing to hear. He disappeared impishly through an open portal. Someone shouted: “I think he wants us to follow him.”
It was CULTURE BOY who shouted, we would like you to know.
C-Baby led the diaspora of wedding guests into the neighboring room where a DJ had set up a dance floor and, friends, I dare not tell you what transpired in that room.
CULTURE BOY has been sworn to secrecy.
5. The goal of a DJ is to keep the dance floor full.
You know when they say in middle-grade comedy movies, “You had one job!” and no one laughs because that punchline stopped being funny five Air Buds ago?
Well, sometimes it’s true.
6. Be nice to the happy couple
In case you don’t know, there’s an old Jewish tradition called the mitzvah tantz. Literally, it translates to “dance commandment.” It happens after the lightbulb thing but before the chair thing. The klezmer begins as guests gather in a giant swarm, leaving a small opening at the center where the bride and groom are placed in chairs like a king and queen. Kith and kin line up to perform for their royal pleasure. The music never stops and the dance continues until every guest has performed. It’s a thrilling tradition and it makes total sense to us. Weddings are a full-time job on top of whatever full-time work the bride and groom are pulling to make it happen, on top of whatever part-time work they need to pick up in order to pay for it, on top of whatever dating podcast/side hustle they’ve been trying to get off the ground for a few years and it’s just starting to blow up. Weddings should go on resumes. There should be a wedding Oscars. The government should issue need-based grants for weddings, and pay for a social worker to make weekly house calls before the date.
So, in closing, be nice to the bride and groom and, when the time comes, shake your goddam toches.
Also, here’s that stupid playlist my boss wants you to listen to.
There’s not even information about SPACE LASER online, so don’t go looking for it. DON’T DO IT. NOOOOOOOO.
Source: Read over someone’s shoulder on the F train to West 4th Street.
Why isn’t there a wedding-themed professional wrestler? That would totally work. Just call him The Best Man and give him a centerpiece to smash over Randy Savage’s head.
Love your humor and your artwork! You always make me laugh...Thanks Culture Boy😍
"Steely Fran", good one.