Creative fulfillment always comes from a man in a hat

My writing advice.

Hats are also a draw.

1.

If you’re writing on Substack, you should write for yourself. That’s the only way to get the selfjuice out of your system. 

Every day your body produces a certain amount of selfjuice, a poisonous substance generated by (surprise!) the pancreas. Selfjuice builds up over the course of the week and, if left untended, it can cause nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and recollections of 2000s Pepto Bismal ads.

There are two known ways of curbing selfjuice buildup:

1. Writing on Substack.

2. Donating to the RFK Jr. campaign¹.

If you don’t want to do number 2, then you’re only choice is writing on Substack. And if you’re writing on Substack, you really should write for yourself.

But also ... don’t forget about your audience! 

2.

On the west side of Washington Square Park there’s a tiny pathway where you can learn about yourself². On a platform built into a monument dedicated to Alexander Lyman Holley, pioneer in the manufacture of Bessemer steel, there stands David, a guy you don’t know but who wants to know you. David keeps it simple, self-explanatory: He wears street clothes flourished with a hat like the one Andre 3000 wears in “The Whole World” video. He stands next to a giant sign that says FREE READINGS: FIND OUT WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

When I got there, standing next to David on the platform was a teenage girl with long hair, her arms crossed and looking at the ground. She looked like a shy person, but then I wondered what made a shy person get up on that platform.

“People call you shy, is that right?” said David.

“Yeah,” she said, smiling. 

“But you’re not shy,” said David, his voice louder. “You like to be in control sometimes, and being shy puts you in control.” 

The girl said nothing. 

“Am I right?” he said. 

“Sorta,” she said. 

David continued. “But sometimes you like the freedom that letting loose gives you. Am I right?

The girl said nothing.

“I’m right, aren’t I!”

“Kinda right,” she said

“Kinda right is kind of right!” David gave her a high five and the girl and her posse walked away. 

And because there was no one left in the audience, it was suddenly my turn.

3.

When I sit down to write, I tell myself, “This one is gonna be for me.” And I think about something that really matters to me, like my family, the news, shows I refuse to watch because they require me to get an AppleTV subscription, spices from other worlds, old timey pop-up erotica, 1990s sitcoms with laugh tracks, friends I haven’t talked to in a while, future versions of myself, ways to make my career work for me, the end of the world, dinosaurs, the movie “The Beekeeper,” the movie “Crank: High Voltage,” other Jason Statham movies, etc. etc.

Sometimes there are too many ideas in my head for things to write about, but that’s OK. You need a lot of ideas. As the man said, “I didn’t have one great idea, I had seven thousand bad ideas,” which is also why Friends is still in reruns.

4.

“Oh you are FASCINATING,” said David his eyes lighting up. “You are very smart,” he said. “But you’re in your head all the time.”

I nodded, yeah.

“And you’re very interesting,” he said. “Are you a comedian?”

“Used to be,” I said. “About one million years ago.”

“Why do you stop?”

“Performing is hard,” I said.

“Not for me!” he said, and Adonai as my witness, he jumped into the air and levitated for just a second.

5.

Yes, it’s true, you shouldn’t write for just yourself. You should also write for your audience.

The secret is, you can do both!

How???

Very simply, just make sure that your best reader is yourself.

Imagine yourself sitting down at your laptop or phone or Nintendo Wii and think about reading something you just wrote, except you’re a different person sitting down as compared to the person who wrote it. 

Are you (your best reader) scared? Are you (your best reader) angry? Do you (your best reader) want it all to end soon? 

If the answer is yes then YOU’RE NOT WRITING THE RIGHT WAY!

Now go back to the present and you’ll know exactly what you should be writing about: The thing that the present, writing version of you finds scary, angry, and existentially threatening, but the future, sitting version of you finds safe and fun.

This is non-negotiable! 

6.

David and I really connected that day in Washington Square Park. I like to think I taught him something about himself too.

“Performing isn’t hard,” he said to me onstage. “I love every minute of it.”

“Well you’re clearly a natural,” I said.

“What makes you say that?” he said.

“I can tell from the intense eye contact you’re giving me.”

“Yes, you’re right,” he said. “That’s one of the secrets. As soon as they got on stage, I don’t take my eyes off of them.”

As it became time to leave the stage, David told me what was wrong with me.

“I know what it is,” he said. “You’re so compassionate towards other people that you have nothing left for yourself.” 

“I guess that’s right,” I said.

7.

As I walked away from the park, a thought crossed my mind: I would get more likes if I wrote about politics.

1. RFK Jr. may have suspended his campaign, but his website is still collecting donations, assumedly to finance the construction of an RFK Jr. statue made of healing crystals and free-range butter.

2. If you’re wondering where this is going, so am I. I didn’t want to write this right now,  but after a grueling two weeks at work, I’m on two hours of sleep and a handful of pills RFK Jr. told me to take.