Explanation
This is gonna be a weird one.
Longtime readers of this newsletter have come to expect a certain amount of experimentation. Despite established wisdom to remain consistent, I just get bored doing the same thing every month.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen >100 subs.
But today’s experiment breaks completely with form. Even I’m not totally sure what I’m going for here. “Dispatches from the Family Zee” is a newsletter that has been running every week for eight years in an alternate universe, written by an alternate version of me, living a different life where I have no student loans and a career that doesn’t confound me. I have married, procreated, I own property, I am a good Jew.
In short, I am not the self-hating, debt-paying tech bro that this reality has created.
Have you ever thought about an alternative? This is what happens when I think about mine.
Dispatches from the Family Zee
Updates from America’s 842nd Family. Episode 1: Hallow-Zee-N Special!
Howdy-ho, mishpacha1,
Whazzup??? I get it, you’re still stressing about your costume. Me too! Shel and I were going to go as Mitch McConnell and the Grim Reaper, but Shel is in Brooklyn for another week.
So Mitch, you’ve got some more time!
I’m so delighted to be here with you on Substack. After much deliberation with Shel about the most kosher way of getting our family on social media, we decided that the newsletter I’ve been writing for eight years had a reliable publishing schedule and a built-in audience! And if enough of you subscribe to the paid version, I can quit my job and live my dream of becoming a full-time content creator!
In a future newsletter, I might catch you up on the other processed foods in my pantry, but suffice it to say that for now, the Family Zee is doing great. Three years out of the global Masque of the Red Death and we couldn’t be happier with the way things have shaken out. (Shook out? Shaked out? Somebody please gift this guy a Grammarly discount code, stat!)
At any rate, you’re sick of Sam Zee. Let’s talk about the Fam Zee!
Shelby (34yo)
Yesterday, Shel texted me the above photo from a Williamsburg bar, asking if we could remodel our upstairs bathroom.
“You mean you want our private bathroom to look like a Brooklyn dive bar?”
“Yes,” she texted back. Then I didn’t hear from her for several hours.
I don’t mind revealing this was a Friday night, and while Shel and I usually won’t text for shabbos, we agreed that the occasion of her college girlfriend’s bachelorette weekend was a special circumstance. Does it matter that the bachelorette weekend was last weekend? No!
Shel is finding it hard living in lower-central Massachusetts, and I don’t blame her. She misses Brooklyn, she misses her friends, and while she was never Ms. Closing Time, the burdens of suburban life don’t fit her native-LA mentality. She needs weird friends, punk rock, and mostly, she needs drugs -- and I don’t mean prescription Effexor!
So we agreed, she could pack her Effexor and take the next bus back to Brooklyn. I would take care of the kids and she could find some independence.
It was a great idea. In fact, it was probably the best idea we had. Though the party was a month ago, she ended up booking an acting gig -- the first one in years! It’s some kind of underground immersive theater/high-brow haunted house that pays in macadamia nuts, but the passion residuals are off the charts!
She won’t be home until the Turkey Day, but it’s fine ‘cause I’ve got sweet Harriet!
Of course, I get worried when Shel doesn’t text me back about the toilet, but maybe I’ll just remodel our whole house Halloween colors and see how she feels!
Ruby (3yo)
This left me to fend for myself with li’l Rubix Cube, as we’ve taken to calling her, because every time we figure her out she always comes back all mixed up.
Isn’t that fun?!
Ruby turns four in two weeks, and for Halloween she’s going as Shiv from Succession. If that sounds whacko, well, she originally wanted Claire from House of Cards but we still haven’t made time for “the Kevin Spacey talk.”
Have you had the Kevin Spacey talk with your kids? Tell your story in the comments!
Who knows, though. She’ll probably come back from school with a whole different prestige drama costume.
Jane (13yo)
More costume mishigas2, Jane has requested to go dressed as sexy Golda Meir. We’re trying to figure out how to disavow her of this idea. We don’t object because it’s sexy -- her body, her choice -- but instead we’re trying to explain that, because of the biopic, Golda is technically struck content, and we don’t want to get in trouble with the union.
That’s not even broaching the subject of the prosthetic nose the kid got from Party City. Why does Party City even have prosthetic noses! And why is it labeled “Famous Conductor Nose”?!
Otherwise, the kid’s doing just great. The decision to postpone her Bat Mitzvah another year was the right one, although I wish Adam Sandler had never made that movie. It’s giving Jane ideas that Daddy can’t afford. We’re doing fine, honey, but we don’t have Sandler money!
Yakov (10yo)
Anyway, as many of you know, Yakov is our resident Israeli nationalist, Ben Shapiro stan, and YouTube debate champion. When he’s not petitioning his parents to buy him an assault rifle, he’s shaming people on Instagram for not standing in solidarity with Netanyahu.
It’s confusing to us too!
We’re very proud of our little guy, whatever his politics. It’ll take me some time to stop calling him “Jimmy” (at his request), and I’ve accepted that he has no future in late night. Personally, I’m impressed how easily he’s able to bring home his perfect report cards when I observe the backlighting in his room turned on well past his supposed bedtime. Parenting is hard, but one of things I’ve learned is not to tell them how to live their lives. As long as the grades are good!
In an alternate universe, I bet I have a parenting Substack!
Harriet (22yo)
Harriet is our live-in nanny, who, in the last couple years, has really established herself as a member of our family. She’s been an absolute mensch3 these past few weeks with Shel back in Brooklyn. Let me tell you!
Welcome, Harriet!
Harriet just graduated in May, and we’ve been fortunate she doesn’t recognize her own brilliance as a cook and leave us for a summer internship in Paris. (Do cooks do internships? Or is it more like a Richie in The Bear kind of thing?) At some point she’ll wake up and leave us, but we’re trying to hold on while we can.
When I asked her what kind of update she wanted to provide in this issue of DFTFZ, she said, “Nada.” I’m sure she has strong feelings about Taylor’s version of 1989, but I will respect her wishes and not guess.
However, I’m pretty sure I heard her say it was her wish for you to like this post on Substack! Press ♥️ now.
In Closing
As for me (I know, I get two updates, but I write this damn thing, OK??), I’m on season 22 of my annual rewatch of all odd-numbered Screams. Maybe I’ll do a future issue about this, but it occurs to me that Jamie Kennedy’s “Rules to Survive a Horror Movie” monologue echos Martin Niemöller’s “First they came for the yadda yaddas” poem.
There are no coincidences in Halloween.
Also, trying to figure out how to break it to Shel that I’ve fallen deeply in love with Caroline Polachek. I sent her this video but she still hasn’t responded to my text!
How do you handle celebrity crushes with your partner? Let me know in the comments!
Until next time, don’t hesitate to respond and let me know how your family is doing.
Shalom4,
Sam Zee and the Fam Zee
Yiddish for “peeps.”
Yiddish for “I can’t even!”
Yiddish for “person who complains less than they should.”
Hebrew for “hello,” but also “good-bye” and “please sign up for a paid subscription.”